Burning Like a Flame

"The large print giveth, the small print taketh away."

-Tom Waits

A Nod to Medium

Patricia came back on last night...the two hour season premier. The episode dealt with infidelity within a relationship...what some would consider "not cheating" but that is behavier that effects and hurts the people in their life. It was very deep and very eye opening. It also spoke to the power of a man's belief, compassion and love for a woman.

(((03)))

Strange Way

Didn't I hear you cry this mornin'
Didn't I feel you weep
Teardrops flowing down on me
Like rivers in my sleep

In my dream of laughter
You came creeping with your fears
Tellin' me your sorrow
In the traces of your tears

That's a strange way to tell me you love me
When your sorrow is all I can see
If you just want to cry to somebody
Don't cry to me

Didn't I hear your voice this mornin'
Didn't you call my name
I heard you whisper softly
But the words were never plain
And in your dream of darkness
I came shinin' like the sun
Waiting for the laughter
But the laughter never comes

Didn't you feel alone this morning
Didn't you need a friend
And in your darkest hour
You came runnin' back again

(FireFall)

Hard Time Killing Floor Blues

Hard time here and everywhere you go
Times is harder than ever been before
And the people are driftin' from door to door
Can't find no heaven, I don't care where they go

Hear me tell you people, just before I go
These hard times will kill you just dry long so
Well, you hear me singin' my lonesome song
These hard times can last us so very long
If I ever get off this killin' floor
I'll never get down this low no more

Skip James 1931

(((03)))

Ok, so...it's gotta be a sign

Matt's Daily Sagittarius Forecast:

Don't rush to get involved in a friend's issues. There are things you don't know.

...I have a chance to be the bigger man here.

(((03)))

The snake, her venom and what it's like to love her.

Nothing in the world can prepare you for meeting someone who appears outwardly to be this sweet, caring human being, complete with "I do so much for so many people" and "ask all my friends, they all say I'm perfect" only to find that...ah ha! you were right...anyone who relies on the testimonials of other people and not on their own actions has to have something just under the surface that crowns her with the undeniable title of "Biggest Waste of Even the Smallest Amount of Love I've Shown You." Thanks so much...my life wasn't fucked enough before I met you.

(((03)))

Think about it...

...if you had a friend or a family member who had limited use of their limbs, would you ask them to help you move, or to go mountain climbing with you? So why is it that when people have a friend or a family member with a mental illness that they just refuse to remember that the illness is there?

You can try to tell people that you have triggers, you can explain to them countless times what those triggers are and that you will react badly to them and that you are sorry before hand and after the fact. But, for some reason, not only does this not keep them from setting you off time and time again, they continue to push your buttons and fight you when they do, like it's all they want to do with you. Like they love to see the pain it causes you to react like you do. Understand, mental illness is very fucking difficult to live with...and if I am that fucking hard to be around, then leave. I've only ever asked (nicely) that you try to avoid certain little things that set me off.

It's like being hypnotized to punch someone in the face when you hear a doorbell, knowing that you are hynotized to do so and have no control over it, letting people know to please not ring the doorbell, but to please knock (like that is so fucking hard) and then those same people insist on ringing the doorbell instead EVERY SINGLE TIME and then tell you that it is without a doubt your fault and your fault alone that they got punched in the face!!!! What the fuck?!?! It's not like I'm asking you to lift a 250 lb. solid weight up 20 flights of stairs. What is the problem?
(((03)))

Theophrastus Philippus Aureolus Bombastus von Hohenheim (Paracelsus)

Alle Ding' sind Gift und nichts ohn' Gift; allein die Dosis macht, dass ein Ding kein Gift ist.

"All things are poison and nothing is without poison, only the dose permits something not to be poisonous."

- Paracelsus
(11.10.1493 - 09.24.1541)

I am what I tell you I am (not what you insist that I be)

Just for the record, I am not a normal person doing bad, I am an Agoraphobic that is doing well thank you very fucking much. I go through nasty personal struggles every day only to have my triumphs ignored and my shortcomings spotlighted.

Understand, I am done trying to apologize for the way I am (this is in large part why people like me find it hard to exist with people like you), and what's funny is the "friends" that complain the loudest about my condition are the ones that seem to try the hardest to perpetuate it. They seem to understand when someone they don't know goes through it because they don't have to deal with it directly. Or, they think that just because I seem normal most of the time that I must not be able to straighten up and fly right (or that I just won't).

Don't get me wrong, there are a few people who accept me for who I am and don't get bent all out of shape 10 seconds after they say they understand when I have an episode and then make it 30 times worse by kicking me when I'm down. There are some who make fun of me and of my situation because they are ignorant and don't understand and that is their immature way of dealing with things. Yeah, thanks.

I am doing very well. I am trying very hard. I leave my apartment out of necessity, but I try to do things that are difficult for me when I can. You don't know the agonizing struggle it is to do the everyday things that you take for granted. You have not one clue what my world is like, and for those of you who insist on taking this lightly and acting like an enemy rather than the "friend" you claim to be, fuck you very much for your lack of compassion and your insincerity.

(((03)))

Q: What sucks more than loving someone?

A: Nothing

(((03)))

Veritas unitas caritas

Last night I had a grape Jolly Rancher pop and shared a lick with somebody. (I know...not a very angry blog is it...?) But, it did make me find this awesome blog about candy...so check it out...Oh, I mean, check it out mother fuckers!

Candy Blog

(((03)))

Update: I heard from the person who does the candy blog and was given the new and improved candy blog link. Stop by here.

Astalahades Mother Fucker (from Empyreal)

What's the best news on the weekend (year, or century)? Saddam is a dead man...he was sentenced to hang...I have always hated that I have friends that like to watch those death videos (I know, go figure)...but I want to watch the death of this uber-fag...I want to see his stupid fucking legs twitch just before his soul gets shot straight to white mans hell. My only complaint is that I wish I could have watched his fuckhead sons go out too...I think one is still alive so there is hope...too bad they can't show the world that whole family being tortured. Think I'm going overboard?...do some research on Saddam and his offspring...see if you hold back your emotions when you find out what these people did to other human beings. Fuck you if you have any compassion for this prick or his family.

(((03)))

Death from Above (the Neck)

I was out of commision yesterday with a nastyness the likes of which hasn't been seen since the age of the Elder Gods. Fuck me if I wasn't sick. My head felt like it was going to implode in sinus destruction. And then it moved down to my chest...nothing sucks like your head being fucked though.

Other than that my day sucked...except for Laura, who made me all better. Thank you L.
(((03)))

Beautiful Beautiful Rage

I am Jack's Inflamed Sinus

...you know that feeling you get when you're hit in the face with a baseball bat...? That's what I feel like today...sinus fluid feels the need to stay for as long as it can, harden...and come out in intervals just often enough to be a severe pain in the ass but not enough to offer any comfort.

...don't tell me that I should take something...because I have...and it either puts me to sleep in minutes or it dries me up so bad that I wish I had the fluid back...

This is on top of coming in this morning and finding out that I've been lied to about my paycheck...so I sent a copy of the e-mail I got (which stated the opposite of what I was told) to the person who originally said I was alright, and to the person that said I wasn't and asked someone to please advise. I don't mind being told no, but I do mind being told yes just to put off being told no. A friend taught me that that is no way to do things...I don't do that anymore and I don't expect to have it done to me.

...anyway, that's how my Thursday is shaping up so far...

(((03)))