Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Je suis INFJ et je serai pour le reste de ma vie

My mood was perfectly beautiful today. I awoke, able to have put aside my sorrows and fears. Able to smile at the sunrise and greet the day with an optimism I've not felt in a great while. Just then, I got a gracious offer for lunch by someone I would have loved to have seen. Someone whom I know must have been in the area for some reason.

So I get the request and look down at my desk and at the food I've already begun to eat. I'm working through my lunch break and am not eating something that I can save. I can't stand wasting food. Like, psychologically it FLOORS me. I've had too many times very young that we went without and in my adult life, I just can't see wasting.

Anyway, so I have to decline for a few reasons. 1) I have a lot of work, 2) I am already eating lunch and 3) I just can't. My heart breaks, I've had an AWFUL week so far and it's only Wednesday and seeing this person would have been the mental reboot my soul needed. But I just couldn't. And, I HATED saying no.

Not to be un-humble, but at this point pretty much anything they would have said would have been ok... the response I got however was, "You can't see me?"... There it was, and I felt that the statement was basically asking me to re-visit an apology. An apology I felt was already implied but that I guess in a way I didn't really say. This however was basically demanding it and I now felt worse. All positive vibes I'd felt about my day, regardless of how shitty things have been getting, were now gone again. My heart now resting in the acid at the pit of my stomach.

In this person's defense, I am a basket case. I notice everything, and don't misinterpret it, people miscommunicate it. It's not their fault, but nor is it mine. So I guess this thing called life is gonna have to be, "take me or leave me". I cannot change. I am INFJ and I will be for the rest of my life and I can't have everything everyday stepped on because of a lack of communication.

To the friend, I am sorry. And yes by the way, this blog is about you.
I am INFJ and I will be for the rest of my life


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