So What's the Good News..?

"And the things you can’t remember tell the things you can’t forget that history puts a saint in every dream..."

- Tom Waits, "Time" '85

I fell asleep last night at around 2:30, in and out of consciousness the entire time, what they call "restless" sleep. I'd slept an hour after I got home yesterday and I pretty much figured I'd fall asleep fast and hard by the time 10 o'clock or so rolled around, but I didn't. 2 and a half hours later my alarm went off and I was up and around after a nightmare for the hour or so of "real" sleep that I managed to actually get.

So I come to work, anxious to hear from someone who manages not only to call and check on me every morning, but who also, no matter what kind of day I'm having, makes me smile and turns everything around. I've got a lot on my mind at the moment, not least of which is a money problem that's reaching biblical proportions, a legal problem that's scaring the shit out of me and an "other people" issue that's not looking too good either.

So the phone call comes in, and bless this person's heart, but it's been near impossible to hear them because of a new hand's free head set they got that makes everything sound like static mixed with skips. It was already racking my nerves within the first few minutes. As the conversation continued, I did a horrible job of attempting to understand what was going on with that person as I was still too preoccupied with my own problems to be a real friend and just listen. I said something smart-ass that opened the flood gates of contempt towards me that quite frankly, I deserved. Rather than respond with an "I'm sorry", I sat there saying "I understand" knowing full well that I was still harping on my own problems to actually do just that.

After getting an earful and responding with more smart-ass comments and crap that wasn't helping anything, I pushed the person to the point of walking away from me, again. This time though, it was different. My heart dropped down into my stomach, my chest tightened and I was having trouble catching my breath. For the first time today, I stopped thinking of myself and my problems and started to try to see things from their side...and I hated myself for having handled (or mis-handled) the situation like I did.

No lack of sleep, or health problems or "issues" made it ok for me to not have been there for that person...then was not the time to try to discuss what is and what has been bothering me. The point is, I was a bastard. And I deserve to be walked away from.

It's not even 9 o'clock and I've managed to turn my world upside down with no light at the end of the tunnel, no icing on the cake and no hope for a brighter tomorrow. So what's the good news? There is no fucking good news, except maybe that sadness is supposed to be temporary...we'll see.

Enjoy your day,

Matthew Kim Amyx III (photo by Dominic)